It feels so good to be breathing in this familiar scent of mine in my own room which is in my own house.
It has been so long since I sat at my study desk, doing what I love to do - thinking back on my life and future. Dictating my memories and my emotions that come along.
My previous phase of life was initially filled with the strong desire to be married, and it continued with never ending plans for wedding.
Wedding cake, wedding gown, the deco setup, the march in song, the gifts for parents, the time plan for the day, the lovely friends and guests.
10th Oct 2015.This day marks an end to all wedding planning, also a mark to a new kind of busyness.
My mind was so occupied and distracted on that day. I am still feeling happy running through the whole wedding event of our beautiful day in my mind. I sat in my bedroom that early morning with the makeup artist putting on layer and layer of cosmetic to form my enchanted look for the morning. It didnt strike me that I will not return to my cosy room feeling the same anymore.
The bitter sweet thought didnt strike me till one day after the wedding. I am the same me but not exactly the same now. I sobbed as if the old me had passed on.
8 more day to us being one month married. I no longer smell a subtle scent of myself. It is now a combination of body scent, twice the strength.
Marriage- when two become one. That goes the same for body scent too.
I miss myself. The old me.
Sobs came from within me. It was real. Then the big drops of tears fell.
It seems like something that i tried to hold on for very long abruptly broke again.
I didnt superglue the bits and pieces of a clay work. I think i glue the corners and the edges of my heart repeatedly.
Knowing it was fixed up with some denial and attittude of arrogance. When the denial wears off, and arrogance which didnt last, the next break will be terrible.
In fact, the attitude of arrogance was merely a smear. It was not adequate to potentiate the characteristics.
I didnt have much of those.
I was dreaming about fighting with Pauline that I never will ever want in my whole life till eternal.
I know it so clearly what is the real issue of my dreamly sobs.
This issue is so close to my heart, I can afford to slash myself at the wrist.
God's words reminded me at Matt 5:23,24.
Lord, this is a trial since 26 feb. But I have not done anything to resolve. Lord, I lend on you for strength, I am going to resolve it.
things were getting excited with all the plannings.
from here to there. to do this and that.
i wanted to fly off just the next instant.
i thought it could be carried out even if i am alone.
i thought my decision can be carried out as a definite plan when the time comes.
i thought this time, i dont want to be affected by any stray comments.
i thought this time i can refuse to go through the decision again and again.
i just dont want to think too much.
i didnt even thought that i am being selfish.
probably i am tired after so much thinking.
yea the weights.
but i think i had tried to let go too much weights which includes my responsibilities.
responsibilities as a love bird in this case.
life is kind of contradicting and full of conflicting ideas.
i guess it mostly consist of the conflict between self or others (especially your lovely family)
i want my own freedom to do what i want.
i want to not regret my life by not enjoying it to the max in doing what i want.
my family wants me to be around.
i have my beloved.
yun learnt something precious from her forgiving and wide hearted love.
if everyone has a mind of their own, thinking just for themselves, there will not be any commited relationship.
thank you love.
thank you God.
- Current Mood: thankful
i heard myself saying inside.
there's still hope that i see.
while buzzing around with Registered Nurse stamp and a black pen noting changes everyday,
i am glad how i am now.
trying to plan before hand in order to add sparks into my life like how a christmas tree is lighted.
a gym routine RUNNING
march ve concert SINGING
mosiac arts CRAFTS
i want to know how to play the piano
i want to swim well
these will be next
a good carol for this december
a good friendship to last forever.
- Current Mood: hopeful
i had that urge to say "why is it always me. u can do it yourself. it's very tired to be always me," to my mum.
i thought of that at the back of my mind.
But thinking back when i was in nappy, crying for milk.
milk were served timely despite how tough it was to hold the bottle while i suck in the middle of the night
and how stinky i was. they earn money to feed my need for milk to grow stronger.
i just wish that they are more independent but there are limited means.
JIA YOU YUN!
- Current Mood: thoughtful
22 days countdown to freedom from school and immediate stress.
3 sundays with phileo.
4 mondays with VE.
3 saturdays with singthesis.
3 weeks of weekdays.
I have got my mindset prepared.
bring it on!
work hard and you will excel.
be positivism! think positive.
YUN be strong in the mind.
From there, pray dont sense my saddened heart.
Know only this, that my love goes on.
From there, pay forgive my failings if I lack the grace to let you go.
But where, where is this i'm calling?
in my earthly attire, shall i ever see beyond?
Shall I know whither kindly angels have carried off your soul?
Can I run to you? How i long to.
There are so many words I've yet to say.
Promise me, You're not far away ---From There
i was digging my scores, and i saw this.
those memories are so vague in my mind.
how nice were those years of youth.
spidersyh said i am cruel to forget all of those.
or is it because i didnt want to remember.
chewing of textbooks for breakfast, lunch and dinner, even for supper.
the moments of you telling the mind that you need to work on and on.
competition with those running on the same path.
i miss those times. the old yun.
the current me is deflated with fighting spirit.
everyone is going a different way.
4e1 i miss all of you.
how are you guys doing?
are you ok?
come back time.
- Current Mood: nostalgic
Everyone loves to dance,no matter how old you are or if you can move with the music.
Everyone loves beauty and their looks. But it's different to each age group i believe.
Hair loss runs in my family.
When you are old,beauty on the outside is not as important. It's whether you have someone or people loving you.
Because of looks that provide self esteem, i am queuing at tampines niks maple for the irritation on my face.
the common words cried out louds by kids are mummy, i and want.
all the sirens of ah and sobs are not words.
we can see that they are very self focused that they only see what they want.
until a certain age then they realise there are others in their life. more than just mummy.
we can also see that they fear loss.
i saw a girl of age 3 years old or so crying for mummy after her mummy alighted the train without her,
leaving her to daddy.
her dad reasoned to her,
although she knew the reason.
she knew her mummy has to work tomorrow.
however, she wailed on.
after some read hard sobbing and wailing,
they will eventually stop with tired breathing and swollen red eyes.
what are the things you are most afraid to lose now?
do you remember when you last cried for mummy?
during the young time when i just wanted mum to guide me with ironing of my uniform.
even though grandma wanted to do it. at that moment i just wanted mum. and her attention.
the latest incident was nightmare related.
i woke up crying. my body jerked with every sob.
the dream was something related to mum and loss.
mum hugged me like a baby.
it felt so real to be fearful.
treasure everyone before the loss.
despite knowing that loss is unavoidable.