Sobs came from within me. It was real. Then the big drops of tears fell.
It seems like something that i tried to hold on for very long abruptly broke again.
I didnt superglue the bits and pieces of a clay work. I think i glue the corners and the edges of my heart repeatedly.
Knowing it was fixed up with some denial and attittude of arrogance. When the denial wears off, and arrogance which didnt last, the next break will be terrible.
In fact, the attitude of arrogance was merely a smear. It was not adequate to potentiate the characteristics.
I didnt have much of those.

I was dreaming about fighting with Pauline that I never will ever want in my whole life till eternal.
I know it so clearly what is the real issue of my dreamly sobs.
This issue is so close to my heart, I can afford to slash myself at the wrist.

God's words reminded me at Matt 5:23,24.
Lord, this is a trial since 26 feb. But I have not done anything to resolve. Lord, I lend on you for strength, I am going to resolve it.

things were getting excited with all the plannings.
from here to there. to do this and that.
i wanted to fly off just the next instant.

i thought it could be carried out even if i am alone.
i thought my decision can be carried out as a definite plan when the time comes.
i thought this time, i dont want to be affected by any stray comments.
i thought this time i can refuse to go through the decision again and again.
i just dont want to think too much.
i didnt even thought that i am being selfish.

probably i am tired after so much thinking.
yea the weights.
but i think i had tried to let go too much weights which includes my responsibilities.
responsibilities as a love bird in this case.

life is kind of contradicting and full of conflicting ideas.
i guess it mostly consist of the conflict between self or others (especially your lovely family)
i want my own freedom to do what i want.
i want to not regret my life by not enjoying it to the max in doing what i want.
VS
my family wants me to be around.
i have my beloved.

yun learnt something precious from her forgiving and wide hearted love.
if everyone has a mind of their own, thinking just for themselves, there will not be any commited relationship.
thank you love.
thank you God.
for everything.

a good carol for this december
a good friendship to last forever.

i had that urge to say "why is it always me. u can do it yourself. it's very tired to be always me," to my mum.
i thought of that at the back of my mind.

But thinking back when i was in nappy, crying for milk.
milk were served timely despite how tough it was to hold the bottle while i suck in the middle of the night
and how stinky i was. they earn money to feed my need for milk to grow stronger.

i just wish that they are more independent but there are limited means.
JIA YOU YUN!

 

22 days countdown to freedom from school and immediate stress.
3 sundays with phileo.
4 mondays with VE.
3 saturdays with singthesis.
3 weeks of weekdays.

I have got my mindset prepared.
bring it on!

work hard and you will excel.

be positivism! think positive.
YUN be strong in the mind.
jia you!

From there, pray dont sense my saddened heart.
Know only this, that my love goes on.
From there, pay forgive my failings if I lack the grace to let you go.
But where, where is this i'm calling?
in my earthly attire, shall i ever see beyond?
Shall I know whither kindly angels have carried off your soul?
Can I run to you? How i long to.
There are so many words I've yet to say.
Promise me, You're not far away ---From There

i was digging my scores, and i saw this.
wonderful moments
memorable ones.

the common words cried out louds by kids are mummy, i and want.
all the sirens of ah and sobs are not words.
we can see that they are very self focused that they only see what they want.
until a certain age then they realise there are others in their life. more than just mummy.
we can also see that they fear loss.

i saw a girl of age 3 years old or so crying for mummy after her mummy alighted the train without her,
leaving her to daddy.
her dad reasoned to her,
although she knew the reason.
she knew her mummy has to work tomorrow.
however, she wailed on.

after some read hard sobbing and wailing,
they will eventually stop with tired breathing and swollen red eyes.

what are the things you are most afraid to lose now?
do you remember when you last cried for mummy?
i remember.
during the young time when i just wanted mum to guide me with ironing of my uniform.
even though grandma wanted to do it. at that moment i just wanted mum. and her attention.
the latest incident was nightmare related.
i woke up crying. my body jerked with every sob.
the dream was something related to mum and loss.
mum hugged me like a baby.
it felt so real to be fearful.

treasure everyone before the loss.
despite knowing that loss is unavoidable.

 

It has been a long time since i attended an art lesson.excitement is common.

What i did today brought me back to childhood.
The grown me possess a different mindset.

Mosiac art with Jenny, and cheryl.
glad that we have the same interest with coloured tiles of different shapes and sizes.
matching different tones of colours and textures of tiles to form images and patterns.
we were briefed on how to match, and choose, and how to position the coloured tiles into an image or a pattern.
then
we drew.
we cut.
we teared.
we sticked.
we matched.
we chatted along the way.
6 hours passed fast without us knowing

it was not as simple as a 100 pieces of puzzle, showing mickey family going for skiing holiday.
we met onto difficulties.
it didnt look nice in the beginning until grout was applied.
i doubt my effort and the quality of my work.

BUT what we got from Jenny were encouragement.
"You did great!"
"Good Job!"
"Well Done!"

I agreed with Jenny that Mosiac art is all about you changing.
If the position of the tiles didnt turn out well in contrast to what we expected.
If the tile didnt successfully end with one complete tile like how you started off with,
keep going.
do something.
never give up.
it goes the same for life.

Mosiac art or we can say art, is not about perfection,
it's about how you perceive it as.

my theme was LOVE SONG.
two love birds singing with one heart.
i love my work!

THANKS JENNY AND CHERYL
and phileo for waiting with empty stomach